The Star Strangled Boner

This week, we’re going to try something new here at the Throckmorton. We’re going to get a bit real. (Real real, sir?) Real real. Our cases are timid stories of love, loss, and animal rape, but not this one. Join us as we delve deep into the wide world of medical case reports that discuss penile strangulation.

 Lug nuts are for a man’s tools, not a man tool

Wait. What is penile strangulation, anyway? Simply put:  You tried to pump your Chuck Liddell in and out of something and it got stuck. Hotted-up gents of all ages have awkwardly reported to the ER with their penises stuck in various things like wedding rings, metal plumbings, plastic bottlenecks, wrenches, and open ended lug-nuts.

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What to do when your wife really wants to get it on (with you)? Beware.

Listen closely for the clues. Look closely for our bulge. This week we bring you another case report from that magazine of masturbatorial maladies, the history of hoohah hijinks, the journal of juicy junk: the Archives of Sexual Behavior. And this time you get to play detective. We’ll trickle out the details, so see if you can guess the diagnosis before we blurt it as part of some half-baked pun. Winners get a free 30-day membership to TranniesInSpace.org.

Our case today comes from the land of mango chutney and that helpful social sorting system.  That’s right: India, bitches.

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The Throckmorton Rings in the New Year with a medical mystery

Happy oh twelve everyone. We apologize for the long delay in cases but we were busy. But now it’s time to get back to business.
 
For the new year, we have a couple of “who dun it” (or “what dun it”) articles where you get to guess what horrible thing has happened to a patient before we reveal the answer in all its gooey glory.
 
This story comes from The Journal of Emergency Medicine, which is always a good sign. Early one morning, a young lady entered the ER at a hospital in Chicago with a tummy ache. It was a pretty bad one and rapidly worsening. She denied “nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, chest pain, cough, dyspnea, discharge, or other symptoms,” she hadn’t taken any drugs other than Aleve, and she was menstruating. The patient admitted social alcohol use and had recently kicked a pack-a-day smokes habit…

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Gaydar: Is it just for closeted American Senators and Evangelical Preachers?

Goddamn! (That is not Kenny Powers.)Do you know what gaydar is?  It’s been awhile since Sex and the City ended, so let’s take a look at a couple of sources, starting with one made-up by the collective internet:

Gaydar noun: A colloquialism referring to the intuitive ability of a person to assess others’ sexual orientations as homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual.  “Tina thought she had solid gaydar until an embarrassing incident over mimosas with her trainer.”  (wikipedia)

Or, from the Archives of Sexual Behavior, a slightly more reputable source and one which we’ll discuss today:

“[T]he ability to distinguish homosexual individuals from heterosexual ones using indirect clues.”

What type of indirect cues?

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Breaking Bad: The Physics of Effective Hammering While Getting Hammered

A dear reader recently wrote the File:

“Why don’t you guys stop writing about pussy, dicks or gay shit for 1-week. I fucking dareU of F has recently tightened up it’s policy on date rape… 3 strikes and you’re out you. Bitches.”
-Paul K.
Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Upsilon Chapter
University of Florida

Your well-reasoned, nuanced request is compelling, Paul. Did you not read about the necrophiliac ducks?  Anyway, your obvious involvement in the hallowed Greek system at a (very) public university did, indeed, inspire this week’s file. No, we’re not going to write about frat-tastic traditions like Rohypnol, elephant walks, or believing your organization helps you get into business school. Instead, we’re going to write about beer. More specifically, beer bottles and what you can do with them.

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