Too Big: Before the ship’s skipper came clean about the dirty plastic whore, it seems as if he was pulling out all the stops to deny how he might have acquired the “deficiency.” Is it common for people who are diagnosed with the junk flu to claim that they have no idea how or where they acquired it?
Dr. Darknuss: Most people realize the jig is up before I give the diagnosis. At that point, we both know you chose an unsavory character on your last cervix noodling, and it’s time to come clean, as it were. Due to the unusually lurid and bizarre circumstances here, the skipper may have been legitimately perplexed by his bout of angry wang.
2B: Do you have any examples of people not expecting the diagnosis or that wouldn’t believe it?
DD: You bet your big, sweet ass. Sadly, it’s usually monogamous married women who first receive an infected deposit from a cheating spouse and then receive a wooden phone call (or frowny-face text message) from me after their annual physical. To be fair, sometimes the wife acquires it all by lonesome (well, not entirely). You go, girls.
2B: So are there really ways to get the clap that don’t involve sexual intercourse or “toppling the wheelbarrow,” to use the parlance of our time?
DD: The quick answer is, No. And I realize that you yourself may have had a case of Chlamydia last year. And I also realize that you may have told your live-in masseuse that you must have gotten it when borrowing your brother-in-law’s gym shorts before you did some P90x. But, come on. Sure, your occasional ship captain catches gonorrhea from a loose sex doll, but on the whole, this is very uncommon. There are just not many times in the universe when a large bacterial load from one person’s urethra gets close enough to the urethra of another unless wheelbarrows are being toppled.
2B: I did not. But doesn’t that [other literature] suggest otherwise?
DD: Sure. You could also be struck by lightening while backdooring Bigfoot dressed as Dame Judi, but it’s probably not going to happen. Just spend the money on marriage counseling and stop crossing the tracks in your Hyundai.
2B: Whatever. That rest stop was filthy. So many legislators. Regardless, may I dress you in supple silks [http://www.iawareables.com/servlet/-strse-27/Gonorrhea-Necktie/Detail]?
DD: You may not.
2B: Thank you for your time.
DD: Are we done with “clap” wordplay? Can we please spend some time on things that don’t involve malfunctioning genitals?
2B: Again, thank you for your time, doctor.